Secret Admirer

I was in a suite on the top floor of a fancy hotel. I'd just gotten out of the shower and was in a white bathrobe and towel when there came a knock at my door. It was a little boy, about three years old, who handed me a note. I took it, thanking him, and remembering that "this had been happening all night." That is, little kids were delivering notes to all the hotel guests all night and this was the third one I'd received.

As the boy turned to leave, I realized that I recognized him. "Hey, are you Reginald?" I asked. He looked back at me and his clothes transformed from regular clothes to a plaid short-pants outfit and he said "yeah." I knew him from this website. If you ever want to know what's funny in life, check that link.

After Reginald left, I opened the note. It was from a secret admirer. It told me to open my door at 8:00 pm and follow the trail. The trail would be made out of "gruyère cheese pieces, each topped with a savory onion ring" (word for word, what I remember), and that there would be nine of them leading me to my secret admirer. The note was typed in a pretty, swirly font, but somebody had crossed out "8:00 pm" and written, in sloppy handwriting and with a pen that was clearly running out of ink, "ten after 9:00."

I was excited for a little while until I realized it might be this one particular ex-boyfriend of mine, who I would never ever want to get back together with. I got all nervous and started practicing how to "let him down easy."

two dreams courtesy of valarian root.

Every Time:

we were at my co-worker Breena's apartment which had about 6 inches of water on the floor continually and there were a lot of dolls floating in the water. So she had just come home and cortney (coworker) and i were there and Breena was really upset when she came home I could see that sh had been crying and so cort and i were trying to make her feel better and finally Breena started crying and she said

"i am upset because i am going to get a negative comment on the NESCO blog!" (our work blog)

And both cort and I were like,
"its ok breena, you can't please everyone. you do the best you can"
"Cheryl (boss) will be on your side"

and Breena got real upset and said

" I just wish I had called her back sooner, and got her a volunteer quicker and I WISH THAT I HAD FLUSHED THE TOILET EVERY TIME!!"

Sign My Book!

I was in a bed in a radio studio and James Kockalka (an awesome cartoonist) was there at the radio studio for an interview. I was just going to lay in the bed while he did the interview and listen. I noticed that he seemed to be REALLY skinny and his head was really too small for his body. He had this real high and femmy voice, that was distinctly male but really high. Best described as a wiener voice. And I thought "how can Amy (his wife) stand that voice".

SO after the interview I ask him to sign my copy of his American Elf comic diary. So I watch him sign it. And he signs it "From Alex" I was confused. THEN he writes "Gwen you are a total Cathy."......... and i know he means Cathy from Cathy comics.

top model

i dreamt that it was 90s MTV and i was in "america's next top model". i was really pretty and even skinnier than i am and i was really good at doing makeup and there wasn't a lot in the dream about actual modeling, just getting dressed and doing makeup. my hair always did what i wanted it to and i was pretty sure i was gonna win. *sigh*

Polly Wolly Doodle

I dreamed that it was Layla's wedding day, and I was supposed to play piano during the service. Layla had previously asked me to play five songs - I can see the way they were listed on the program, numbered with roman numerals. The first song was "Here Comes the Bride," the second was some folk song that I think maybe was "Polly Wolly Doodle," and the third was a Bach Prelude (for those of you who are curious, it's the Prelude in C Major, the one that's played under the Ave Maria).

The "church" looked more like a community center with long rows of pews. There was brown carpeting and some bulletin boards along the walls. It was noisy and unorganized, and people were walking around, even when the wedding technically started. Layla had told me to find a woman who would give me the piano music that I was supposed to play. She was late, but she eventually found me and handed me a thick folder. I opened it, expecting to find sheet music, but instead, found a huge stack of children's artwork. There were large piece of felt covered in glitter and glue, all in red and yellow and other bright colors. No music to be found...

I stopped Layla right before the wedding was about to begin and said "This is just the rehearsal, right?" She replied "No, this is the real thing." I instantly got worried and said to her "You didn't even invite my parents!" She assured me that it would be fine, and the wedding began, amidst the people milling about and the background noise. I had a very hard time doing Polly Wolly Doodle by ear - I kept messing up the left hand chords, but I did okay with the melody in the right hand.

no brakes

i dreamt that i had two VWs. one blue and one green. the blue one's brakes didn't work. they slowed the car, but wouldn't stop it all the way. so it got it towed to the repair shop. the mechanic was really hot and we flirted and went to his bedroom to do things. he stuck his dirty fingers in my vagina and then didn't want to fuck and he called me a whore. i got pissed and i was like, "if i'm a whore, pay me then!" and he wouldn't. 

later, i was waiting for my car to get fixed and they weren't doing it, so i did it myself. for some reason i knew how to fix cars. 

later, devin and alix were here to visit and they had the most beautiful baby i'd ever seen. i was like "can i have it?" and alix said, "yes. we'll give you a two day trial period, and if you're good at it, you can keep it." so i took care of it. it was way too heavy for me to lift even though it was a baby. it took all my strength to pick it up. it sucked, but i loved it and did my best. i kept on losing it though. i would wake up, not having realized i fell asleep in the first place and it'd be gone. i would search and find it and it'd happen again. sometimes the baby was a bird and sometimes it was a cat and sometimes a human. 

then later i realized that i had my shirts on in the wrong order. i was trying to take the bottom one off without taking the top one off and i got all tangled up. i was going about my day, trying to fix these shirts. it was frustrating and shitty, but it was the most important thing in the world for me to get these shirts right and not let it get in the way of my day.  then my pants would be off and all tangled and then i'd realize i had the wrong shoes on and on and on.

nightmare

i dreamt that i was at a dinner with my mom, my sister and my cousin. my mom was nagging and picking on me. i was getting fed up and i told her to stop. she didn't stop, so i walked out and she followed me and continued to say rude things to me. i told her that if she takes another step i'm going to get violent. she took another step and i attacked her. she blocked my punches and held my fists. i kicked her in the stomach and she vomited enormous amounts of wine and dinner. it was ten times more barf than anyone could actually barf. i felt guilty and also satisfied with what i had done. 

i woke up after that and it was 2am. i was sweating and my heart was pounding. i got up and smoked a cigarette and peed. i was afraid to fall back asleep because i didn't want to dream something like that again. eventually i fell back asleep and the rest of the night was fine.

i can't remember what she actually said in the dream. i know they were totally out of line and pushing my buttons. 

japanese amusement

so i was in japan with devin. we went to the same amusement park every day. we felt kinda guilty that we were doing the same thing ever day, but it was so much fun! 

it was a 10 story building. every floor had many rooms, full of fun things to do: movies, bands playing, etc. so you'd go through the floor, do some fun stuff, then go on to the next floor, do some more stuff and when you got to the top, you'd jump off the roof into a pool, and start over. eventually we were just going up the stairs and jumping off into the pool over and over. it was sooooo fun!!!

the bands were bands i've never heard of, and the movies were one's i've never seen, but in the dream i heard the music and watched the movies. does that mean i was writing music and movies in my brain? i always wonder that. 

Eyebrow Superstore

I dreamed I was at an airport. Once I was through security, I started running, but then realized I had plenty of time. I started browsing, noting that "the bagel place" was now called "Christie's" and it was a fancy-shmancy lunch place with giant glass windows.

I walked past a giant store called Eyebrow Superstore. Now, being one to grasp any opportunity for a quick "gettin' my eyebrows did" moment, I walked inside the store. There were about five separate "pedicure stations" (all of these things had names in my head - not sure what they were or meant though), each of which was filled with really awful people - all impolite and bossy and snotty. I got out of there quickly. I headed towards the "retail area" which I assumed was where I could get my eyebrows did, and saw a giant shelf with hundred of pristine white boxes with black block lettering that spelled "Laser Eyebrow Removal."

"This isn't what I signed up for!" I thought to myself. I didn't want laser eyebrow removal - just a simple wax or something! I tried to get out of there, fast, but every which way I turned, I encountered either more "pedicure stations" or people in white lab coats, holding samples of something.

The dream ended there.

Unresolved Adolesence

I can't remember too much but I do remember:

Everyone in my high school orchestra hated me (sucky!)

But the cast from "Popular" was there (cool!)

And I could skateboard! (totally cool!)

Last night I dreamt that i was in the second grade again, but i was 24, like i am now. I was friends with this one kid who was awesome, and we'd do "bad" things together. I acted all like i was a second grader for fun. Then one day i was trying to convince everyone that i was 24 and should not, in fact, be in the second grade. No one believed me. 

Later, at lunch time, someone stole my laptop. The thief replaced it with their laptop, which was a 10 year old piece of junk. I was ENRAGED and called 911 to report it, expecting a Law & Order style investigation. The person who answered my call only spoke spanish and couldn't understand me. 

Kristi the Gem Poached Eggs for Me, the Jerk

I had this long involved and hilarious dream last night but I'm struggling to remember more than this one piece. In the piece I remember I was kind of a jerk I'm embarrassed and pretty amused to say. I called my friend Kristi - who with her lovely hubby threw a fabulous Dirty Santa party last night - and demanded that she cook eggs for all the party guests on the following morning to help with our hangovers. Kristi, being the gem she is, agreed and then we were all back at their house sitting on bar stools waiting impatiently for Kristi to make us eggs.

And as if I hadn't been enough of brat, I then insist that Kristi poach the eggs because "it is SOOO much healthier that way". So dear Kristi starts poaching eggs, one by one in boiling water. She carefully lifts the wobbly eggs out from the water and lays them on a porcelain white platter.

And that's all I can remember at this moment other than at one point we were all at Manuel's Tavern (a political mainstay in Atlanta) and my sister lobbyist friend Shelley and I escape from a creepy legislator via an elevator that has no walls, the carpeted floor just starts falling or rising.

Frog guts and dangling mama.

This dream was presented almost as a news-story ala Dateline or 20/20, but with much darker lighting. The story was about this Ivy League school system for middle school students, and about the rampant "gang" activity that occurred there. These gangs were really just clusters of three or four bigger, older students, who would pressure all new students to choose a side, and then beat up anyone who was not on their side. Not choosing a side and remaining neutral was not an option, for as one gang-member girl said, "If you're not on our side then it means you could be on anyone else's side." There was a small gang of about three teenage guys who were threatening a new student with a rock. If he didn't choose their gang they would beat him with this rock. "If I choose your side, will you have my back?" the boy asked, and they said they would. So the boy chose their side. We follow them into this house where there is another boy who is somehow involved with the gangs. He has been poisoned and starved (but for some reason we don't feel sympathy for him) and he is kind of doubled over and retching. Eventually he throws up, but since he's been starved he throws up his entire stomach, as in, the organ. At the time of this happening, my dream turned this boy into a frog, and there was a graphic little picture of a squished dead frog with his tiny frog stomach hanging out of his mouth. At this point I was actually present in the space and time of this boy's death (no longer watching as if on the news) and I rushed out of the house along with a group of people, I think other students. As we were leaving the house there was a man and woman who had parked their car and were approaching the house, unaware that this boy, their son, had just died. One of the students I was with announced dispassionately to them, "Eric is dead," like she was reporting the weather, and walked on. I didn't see how the parents reacted but I felt really shocked that this was treated so commonplace. I continued rushing into the parking lot and the group I was with became my family, and we were planning to go to a restaurant for dinner. We split up into two separate cars, so that my mom would drive her car and the rest of the family would drive in the van. We all climbed in the van and even our dog was curled up in the back seat. We were just about to pull out of the parking lot when my mom came over to tell us something. She leaned in through the side window to talk to us but my dad, unaware she was doing this, began driving away. My mom hung on tight and we zipped down the road with the lower half of my mom's body dangling out the side of the van, not dragging on the ground but just flying there in the air. She was laughing and we all thought it was silly, except for one lady who we passed on the sidewalk. She gave us a disapproving look and kind of killed our fun.


(Hi, I'm a new contributor... this is fun!)

Proving Ourselves

So in my dream, I'm a kid, but also my present age, and I'm with my immediate and extended family at "an old friend's house." In real life, I feel like it was my parents very old friends, the Kumars (Dr. Kumar sold my parents their first house for a buck or something and their son was a county supervisor here in Madison until last year). But the family we were visiting did not look like the Kumars. They were Indian, however. Just a different family.

There were two men in their twenties and one who was a teenager, maybe about 13 or 14 (the sons of the family we were visiting). While our parents sat in the dining room talking, the older sons came into the side room of the house where my siblings and cousins and myself were. The two men were holding machine guns and had bandanas around their heads that looked curiously like what Ralph Macchio wore in the The Karate Kid.

The two men announced that we were about to play a game to "prove ourselves." They headed out to the giant, dark backyard, guns in hand, and we all kind of looked at each other. Their younger brother got ready to go meet them, and we all knew he was about to get shot because nobody was as good at the game as the older brothers were. He looked devastated and full of dread as he slowly walked outside.

My siblings and cousins and I sat around, half watching television and half talking about why we shouldn't have to participate in this game. We kept saying things like "Isn't it time to leave anyhow?" And "We should check with the parents to see if we can get a ride home." We knew our turn was coming though.

At some point, one of the older men brought my friend D into the room and held him up against a dark green door. He used some thing on him that looked like it shocked him, and then something else that looked like a nail gun. He put the nail gun right up to D's chest and shot it. We knew D wasn't hurt or dead - he had just lost the game.

Finally we went into the room where all the parents were, which was bright and pink and yellow, full of cakes that were pink and white. The carpeting was yellow too. "Why didn't you guys get dessert?" my mom asked?

Then we left.

Silver or White or Burning

It's not really a recurring dream, but I often dream about my hair. I don't know if its because my hair is currently having an identity crisis and changes color literally every time I wash it, or because my hair is important to me, or maybe because I could be anywhere from vain to losing self-esteem to organized to sexually curious. Check that link - it's funny. Anyhow, I probably dream about my hair once or twice a week.

Last night, I dreamed that I was blow drying my hair in my parents' bathroom and the hair dryer kept slowly dying. I'd hit the button that said "Extra Surge Power" or something, and there would be a little surge, but then it kept dying out. I looked in the mirror and noticed that the sides of my hair were a white/silvery color. In my head, my hair was "Ice." Ice didn't mean actual ice, though, it was just what my hair was, and the color it was. Once it was "Ice," then my hair turned into a cool light/pale blue and I remember not being able to tell if it was closer to "silver or white or burning." That's what I thought in the dream.

Cardinal in the Kitchen

I was in the kitchen at my parent's house. My mom was there, cooking dinner. I realized there was a bird inside the house, which is something I'm terrified of (bats and birds alike...flying things indoors = BAD NEWS to me). It looked like a gray bird with red specks...maybe a female cardinal. It flew back and forth across the room. I was really upset and nervous.

My mother tried to calm me down. She opened the sliding glass door and told me to try and get the bird to fly over that way. The bird flew right towards me and I put my hand up, thinking I could somehow guide it towards the door. Instead, I accidentally swatted it. It fell to the ground and I sort of screamed. I looked at it - it was a male cardinal now, and about 8 inches tall. One leg was extended and it's wings were spread. It was, like every other effing animal dream I have, frozen still as if it were a stuffed bird (see here, here, and here).

Mom moved a shear white curtain away from the door and the bird's wings fluttered slightly, then it quickly made it's way out the door.

barack your moves

i decided to start throwing dance parties around town, much like indie-queer. not like indie-queer in the sense of being linked to the glbtqwxyz crowd...but in the way that they host their dance parties around town at different venues and throw a few each month or so, rather than owning a venue and booking/creating theirr own parties/bands/etc. so basically i was some social diva in town thinking i could upstart something rad. there had to be a theme, of course. so the theme was barack obama dance parties, playing only barack obama songs. whatever that is. i only thought of two: the "yes we can" song and "it's a new day" both by will.i.am. i guess there's obama-girl but she didn't enter my dream. my first dance party would be at monona terrace.

later i remember a totally different scene where a coworker of mine said she was moving back to india but didn't want anyone to know because they would think she was stupid for it. i was sad because i would miss her. i'm selfish like that.

HIV+

Last night I had a dream that a friend of mine found out she was HIV+. For some reason we were still in high school and people were being mean to her because of her status. I was very upset at people's prejudice, more so than the actual disease. We decided to educate people on the realities of the disease, versus the stereotypes.

Then it turned out that I was at a university and I kept sleeping through work and forgetting to replies to emails.

Then in real life I woke up late for work.

Coca Cola Contacts

I dreamed I had taken out my contacts because they had makeup all over them - I'd previously done it up for the sexy party I'd been at earlier that night. I put each contact lens in separate plastic cups. Lynn watched, saying "This is a great idea, Reem." I then proceeded to pour, from a can, Coca Cola into each glass. I filled the one with the right contact up almost to the brim. The other one, only about a third of the way.

As soon as I finished pouring, I realized what I'd done. "Shit, Lynn, what the hell was that?" I asked. She just laughed.

Later I discussed the positive aspects of going through people's backyard to get places, as opposed to sticking to the main streets, and Emil and I did homework and filled backpacks with looseleaf paper. And my parents had a billion guests at their house, and we kept having to clean up really fast.

Married to Myself

I had a really weird, long, kind of depressing dream last night. I dreamed that it was the day before and the day of my wedding day. The day before, I was at the mall with Sara and Emil, and different people kept appearing and helping in preparation for the big day. Here are some of the things that happened:

-Mom gave me a little cup in which I was to provide a urine sample. "I just peed four times in the last hour, Mom!" I exclaimed. "Why couldn't you have asked me earlier?"

-Lauren O'Flynn showed up to help Sara make all the beds, at my parents house and at the mall

-I went to a wine store and bought two bottles of wine (one "cherry" and one "sweet apple") only so that I could use their bathroom, but then I was carrying too many bottles to actually use the bathroom.

-I had to go to the second floor of the mall to find a specific painting

-There was no parking, and I had to run through the parking lot for a long time in silver glittery high heels that look like a headband I have

Throughout all the adventures, I was really excited about getting married, but then I realized...I had no idea who I was getting married to! It wasn't until cousin Layla whispered to me "I'd be too embarrassed to do what you're doing...all those big moments!" that I realized I was going to marry myself. All of a sudden, anxious thoughts regarding those "big moments" flooded my brain. Who is my first dance going to be with? Who's going to stand up in front of all those people with me? Who am I going to cheers my champagne with?

That's when it got really sad and depressing, especially since, earlier yesterday, in real life, Sara and I had been talking about sad things like being alone and not having people around and all that. The idea of marrying myself really made my heart sink in my dream. Ugh.

One hilarious part was that I had laid out my entire outfit, which consisted of the following:

-white tights
-a really ugly white bra that totally didn't look big enough
-boring white underwear that I usually wouldn't even wear on laundry day
-a white men's undershirt
-a black half-slip
-a white wedding dress that's skirt was the same as my awesome purple skirt (that I wore on the last 2 Halloweens), all ruffles
-the silver glittery high heels

I was pretty concerned about the black slip...I thought it might show through and that, for some reason, people would judge. Jerks!

Also, there was yet another bathroom moment where I was in the bathroom in my parents' house, the one near the kitchen, and I could hear my sister was telling my father that he should have shopped for my wedding gift earlier and I was trying to pee (have you all guessed by now that I had to pee in real life?) and I was holding my dress up, all bustle-y and ruffle-y, trying not to let it get in the toilet.

This dream seemed to last all night. I woke up sad and exhausted. Yuck. If I ever say I'm going to marry myself, please stop me.

Barak Obama Sex Dream

I couldn't bring myself to write about this before, but now it just seems funny and isn't as saturated with real emotion as it was originally.

Barak Obama and I were boyfriend/girlfriend. He and I were very into each other, and we were always holding hands or kissing. We had sex in my parent's back porch, which is kind of a dirty place where they keep the dogs, but it was awesome. He was really supportive emotionally, and I remember grabbing his ears a lot.

But when I woke up from that dream, the emotions were so real, it was like I was really in love with Barak Obama, and I couldn't write about it.

Geesus. He must've run a magical freakin' campaign to make people have sex dreams about him.

63 Bus

I can only assume this is an anxiety dream about my first trip to a psychologist today.

I drempt I was in my home town, in Connecticut. I stepped outside of my house and walked to the end of the driveway by the mailbox. I stood there and saw that the 7 bus was coming (one of the buses I have to take today to get to my appointment). I got on and it was crowded. As I sat down in the front row I looked back and saw my mom and my sister, Victoria sitting on the bus with me. They smiled and waved and I smiled back. I assumed that Victoria had run to the previous stop to catch it before me. We drove around and finally we were at the Capital in Madison where I have to make my transfer. I jumped off and saw the 63 bus speed away. I ran to catch it and then it flipped over as it made its turn down one of the roads. Victoria caught up with me and said "God, aren't you so happy we weren't on that bus?" I ran up to it, worried about the passengers on it. It was on its side and one of the passengers came out and said "Help me lift the bus! There are three kids under here!" So along with a bunch of other people we lifted up the bus and a few kids were under some rubble. But they were ok. And I woke up.

Sex with Satan

I had a dream that I had sex with Satan.

I'm not even kidding. Unfortunately, I can't remember the details except he looked some some regular old dude.

I woke up and told my real-life lover about this, and she said, "Perhaps you've been watching a little too much "Pick of Destiny." Touche!