Drag Queen at the Beach

It's been a long time since any of us have posted over here, but I've been having a lot of funny/crazy/sweet dreams lately so I thought I'd try posting again and see if any of y'all feel like joining me in resurrecting this baby.

I dreamed last night that I woke up today and left for the beach vacation I'm going on in May. When I got there, I ran through the white sand and it felt like Egypt. Then I started exploring the house we were staying in which was lovely but sorta 70s-ish.

I got to one room that was full of someone's stuff, including a bunch of crazy platform shoes and a whole lot of leopard print. I realized all of a sudden I was in the wrong house, and the house I was in belonged to the Most Famous Drag Queen of Key West. When I finally met her, she did a fashion show for me of all the platform shoes, and the most fabulous ones were total Lady Gaga - lime green patent spikes that poked into Mello Yello cans that she had to balance on top of.

Embarrassing Feet

I dreamed I was in my parents' neighbors' kitchen with a family I teach. The 7 year old boy had grown to be as tall as me, which was confusing. I looked down at our feet to see if I was wearing shoes that made me shorter or he was wearing shoes that made him taller. It turned out that I was wearing brown knock-off Birkenstocks with black socks. The mom in the family lifted up my foot to take a closer look. "These are really nice," she said. "Yes, they're knock-off Birkenstocks. I love them," I replied, but I was lying through my teeth. I was mortified to be wearing them. Especially with black socks.

Underwears!

I dreamed that I was shopping with my sister and my mother. We were in my mother's bedroom, which was also a department store. Probably Carson's. My mother kept showing us dresses and they were all shiny and glittery. We had to help her pick out two, but each one kept changing colors and moving, so I couldn't pick one.

My sister sent her into the dressing room, and at the last minute, I realized she'd sent my mother in with a few pair of swimming trunks to try on as well. It made me feel weird. I looked at all the underwear and wanted to buy all of it. In this dream, I kept feeling a lot of love for underwear. All the underwears of all the world.

Bret Michaels Rocks Out to GnR

I dreamed I was at a "rock n' roll" concert. It was a Guns N Roses concert from the 80s. Poison opened for them, but that was no big deal. When GnR got on stage, I was somehow able to watch from an angle so I could see the audience. Bret Michaels (singer of Poison) was there watching, and he was totally rocking out. He was wearing his signature bandana around his head, along with some kind of cartoonish pajama pants. He loved GnR. You could tell that it was the greatest thing he'd ever seen. But you could also tell that he was sort of a pansy in a band that looked like a bunch of ladies.

Jess Meets My Mom

I dreamed that my mom and I were driving around Madison in her car. We needed to stop by my friend Jess's house to drop off one box of Girl Scout cookies, even though I wasn't sure if they were hers or not. My mom pulled up and I jumped out of the car while she turned it around and parked it on the side of the street. I saw Jess in front of her house and handed her the box of cookies. She said she had something funny to show me. I was, of course, intrigued.

She held out a white tshirt and shook it so I could see what was on it. There was a giant Mickey Mouse and the phrase "If you fly this often, sometimes you have to reach for the ground." It was some kind of play on words in my dream, and it was referencing some other phrase about "reaching for the stars." We laughed and laughed and talked about how funny it was. She was giving it to me as a joke gift, and I was like "No! I don't want it! It's stupid!" and we laughed and laughed some more.

Then my mom came strolling up the walk. "Oh good," I thought. "She'll get to meet Jess and Mike." I looked at Jess to introduce her to my mom, but suddenly Jess gasped the word "DISNEY!" and was looking at my mom in horror. My mom was wearing the very tshirt we had been making fun of! "Um, this is my mom, Louise," I told Jess as I watched her hurriedly fold up the tshirt she was holding. They shook hands and everything was lovely and cordial.

I was happy that my mom and my friend were getting along so well and chatting like old buddies, so I'm not sure why I turned into a total asshole at this moment. I interrupted the conversation and asked Jess "So what's that tshirt you're holding?" She looked at me with a sort of "what the hell?" look and held it out to me. The whole time I was thinking "Why am I doing this?!" but I kept going. The shirt had transformed and the phrase was now written in French on the back of the shirt. My mom thought nothing of it and everybody was friends in the end. Whew. Sorry, Jess, that I was such a d-bag. This will not happen in real life. I promise.

Brosephs and Bathrooms

I had a dream that I was at a house where a bunch of duders lived. I am not sure why I was there, but I had a few suitcases with me. I was looking for one of the guys that lived in the house, but couldn't find him anyway. I walked through all kinds of rooms and doors. I ran into one of the other guys who lived in the house and realized it was someone I had dated in high school. He had been pretty devastated by our breakup and I realized in the dream that he still liked me. I thought, this is not going to be fun. I kept searching for this guy and when I got back into the living room one of the other roommates in the house was going through my suitcase! I was so pissed because he had put on one of my vintage dresses and was dancing around in it obnoxiously. I yelled at him to take it off because he was "stretching it out!!!" He took it off and picked up another one and put that on and danced around in it. I was so mad. I looked around to see if anyone would tell their stupid roommate to leave me shit alone only to see that my ex was in the room organizing a bookshelf, he clearly did not care. So I started searching for the guy I had been looking for again. Also I had to go to the bathroom so I was kind of looking for both. I opened a door to a storage room and when I closed the door to walk away my ex was standing behind me and made a face, like "ha, that's not the bathroom." What a jerk. I finally found the bathroom, but the door was shut and locked! The guy I was looking for the whole time was in there!!! Then I woke up.

How To Put On A Bathing Suit

Sometime last week I dreamed all about putting on a bathing suit. I was in a gym locker room and Sara M. was helping me find a bathing suit. She was reaching into this big dishwasher/oven looking thing and pulling them out, one by one. She handed one to me.

It took me forever to figure out how to put it on. The straps were all wrong, and I kept putting my arms through the wrong sleeve. Then after I finally got it on, it was all crooked and I couldn't straighten it to save my life. It covered everything, but was super off-center. Also, I realized that it was white. Booo! I can't wear a white bathing suit! It'll be see through and you'll see everything!

So Sara hands me another one from the oven, this time, a red one. This is equally difficult to put on. I finally get it on sort of correctly, and realized I was wearing black tights underneath, as well as black high heels. They only came up mid-thigh though, so there was this awkward area of skin between the top of the tights and the bottom of my suit. I wasn't sure if this was how I was supposed to go swimming (wearing black tights and heels), so I looked around the locker room. Nobody else was wearing tights, so I took them off.

Castle Lobby

I dreamed I was trying to get dressed and get ready to go somewhere. I was putting on several outfits at once and was being incredibly indecisive about what to wear. It was really hot and I was all sweaty, so I decided to wear a skirt and tank top. I also remembered that I'd be going on a field trip to a movie theater, so maybe I should wear a sweater. At the same time, I worried about getting a sunburn on this field trip.

Once I thought I was ready to go, I looked down and realized I hadn't shaved my legs in a really long time. This was pointed out by some guy, and my mom tried to take a picture with an old fashioned camera with a giant flashbulb. I tried to hide my legs.

Then, as I was trying to pull on my tights, I was in the "lobby" of a castle. I think it was Buckingham Palace. There was a busy woman, who I assumed was the castle receptionist, on the phone answering questions faster than shooting bullets. It sounded like this:

April 19th. No. There aren't any. No. No more.

I was very impressed with how quickly she was able to answer the questions. At some point, somebody was saying how the princes were catching up in age to their father, so there was probably going to be some sort of competition to see who would rule all the land. I assumed they were talking about Prince Charles, then Prince William and Prince Harry, and that there would be a duel of some sort.

Then I got distracted by cases of jewelry - everything was really fancy, made of different jewels and fancy beads and silver. I assumed they'd each cost hundreds of dollars, but one pair of earring said $74 and one said $69. I found my favorite, black and silver with colors here and there, and my phone rang and I woke up. It was the prettiest part of the dream...