Golf and TMI

In my dream, I had concrete proof as to why golf was so sucky. I have no idea what it was.

I also dreamed I had a UTI (TMI, right?) and the doctor called my mom to tell her about it. My Dad perscribed me some medicine and I had to drive an hour over a bridge that looked like the Golden Gate Bridge to the area south of Chicago. The sky and lake were sparkling blue and everything was beautiful, but the UTI really made it all annoying.

The Longest Fart

Uh oh! I had a dream in which I was laying on a couch and my friend was sitting on the floor. I knew I had to fart, so I let out just a teensy bit, but it ended up being really loud! As soon as I realized it would be loud, I said "fuck it" and let it fly on its own - NO LIMITATIONS. TO THE EXTREME. Anyhow, that fart lasted forever! It just didn't stop! My friend looked up at me and said "Whoa!" and I was laughing and saying "I know! I know!" but I couldn't stop farting. It was one extremely long fart without a break. I think it must have lasted a couple of minutes.

Bags in the Toilet

I am having the grossest dreams lately. Ugh. So last night I dreamed this:

"It's finally time to take care of this toilet," I thought to myself. What I needed to do: remove two plastic bags that had been lining the inside of the toilet. Apparently, one had been lining the entire toilet bowl under where the water goes. And the other was fixed so somehow everything that got deposited into the toilet went into this bag. These were plastic shopping bags, by the way. Like what one might get at the grocery store.

Removing the first bag was easy. I just sort of pulled it out. But that second one...ooh, it was in there good! I started pulling on one of the handles, hoping it would all just come out magically. Instead, all this pee splashed everywhere, got on me, and everything sucked. NOT sexy results, I tell you. No way.

After I got the bag out, the toilet started to overflow. Of course. Water and pee were everywhere. I remember feeling very defeated and half-hearted as I picked up the soggy bath mat and hung it to dry. Waa waa!

Goldie Hawn's Pubes

Okay, get ready to barf. Yes, I know, I gave it away with the title. But here we go anyhow.

Last night, I dreamed that I was watching a movie with Angie and Jacob. It starred Goldie Hawn, and the plot was that she was old. Seriously, that was the plot. In the movie, she said some line that sounded like "You think that's bad?! Check this out!" And then, my friends, she did it. She lifted her dress and all we could see was her pubes. For real. Vagina and pubes. And, to top it all off, she had some sort of tribal henna tattoo in a ring over her pubes. And to make matters worse, the scene in which she held up her dress was like an hour long. Barf-o-matic, Goldie!!!

Dudes. Sick.

Lia's Dream

My friend Lia told me her dream over a gmail chat this morning. Short and Sweet:

Lia: Oh, I have to tell you about a crazy dream I had the other night...Th to Fri. I was at your house and there was a group of people there and we were "smoking" pot. But the way we were "smoking" was that there was a glass of water with weed in it and someone would take a sip, gargle, and pass. Totally disgusting!

What's Grosser Than Gross?

This dream is grosser than gross, friends. Consider yourself warned.

I dreamed about my scar from a brown recluse spider bite. The scar is a keloid, it's huge and on my upper right thigh and totally cute. I'm kidding. It's actually not that bad but people definitely react when they see it and hear that it is the result of me being attacked by a poisonous spider.

So in the dream there was this corn syrup and rubbing alcohol mixture that was dripping everywhere. I was wearing shorts and some got on my thigh right near my scar. As it dripped down my leg and the flesh across the top of my scar sizzled like it was being burned by acid- but in my mind it felt really good. The scar immediately started oozing - thick yellowish puss started flowing from the old wound. I got a napkin to clean it up but so much was coming out it was impossible, and now the puss had streaks of blood in it too. So I got a cup and started collecting the puss. (VOMIT, I know!!!)

In the end my scar was all flat and small and pink. And I felt incredibly relieved.

American Cheese

I dreamed that I handed my sister a piece of American cheese that I'd taken out of its wrapper. Two of the corners were hard and darker than the rest.

Sorry, sister! I'll bring you wonderful cheese in real life, I promise.

2 Year-Old Meatball Sauce in a Crock Pot

I'm planning on making this recipe for Crock Pot Lasagna tonight. Yesterday Reem and I discussed when we bought the crock pot- specifically to make meatballs in for a Halloween Party a couple years ago.

I dreamed last night that I took the crock pot out of the back of the cupboard where its been for the last couple years and when I lifted the lid, the inside was still caked with 2 year-old sauce from the meatballs. The smell was awful. I took it outside and used the hose to clean it out.

Piece Missing

In real life, I have been scratching my skin in my sleep so hard that it bleeds. It's not exciting to wake up to this in the morning. It finally invaded my dreams last night.

In my dream, I'd been scratching the outer part of my upper left thigh, kind of on and off for a few minutes, as I talked to people at some sort of ball or party that was decorated all in gold and black and sequins. I could see people's faces clearly but everything around their faces was cloudy.

I reached down to scratch my leg once more and realized that my leg felt really weird, like there was an indentation in it. I look down and realize I've scratched off a giant chunk of my leg. It was like a canyon. It ran about 8 inches long and 2-3 inches wide, and about 1 inch deep at it's deepest. It was not bloody or anything...it was just this big crater on my leg. There was skin covering it, rough, very bumpy skin that had a lot of scratches on it. There were also parts that were darker, maybe bruised.

I nearly had a panic attack when I woke up this morning because it felt exceptionally real. I reached down and felt my leg just to make sure.

Barf-O-Matic!

I had a dream that somebody barfed on me! Also last night.

I was in a bar and I was meeting two friends - one woman and one man. I was standing next to the man and he took a drink, but couldn't keep it down and his face got all gross looking and I knew he was going to barf, so I turned my back to him and then felt him barf all over me. It splashed everywhere and messed up my clothes.

The worst part is that then I had to go sleep in a bed with the boy I like, and for some reason, I couldn't take off my clothes. All barfy in bed! Terrible...

ticks

i was in a room that was "my room" (it totally wasn't but in the dream i understood that it was my room). and my exboyfriend was there. the one from high school. and we were sitting on the floor talking. and then i look over and i see tiny tiny bugs crawling all over a blanket that's on the floor.
and i'm like "shit, john. get up. i think the floor is covered in bugs!" and i'm trying to look at them to see what kind of bugs they are. and then i decide to lift up the blanket to see where they are coming from and under the blanket are HUNDREDS of ticks.

Snow and Macaroni

Last night I dreamed that I couldn't go to my Saturday morning meeting in Macon because there was a snowstorm. It's wishful dreaming- lamenting the awful smoggy humid 90-100 degree Georgia weather and the fact that I have to wake up early on a Saturday to drive an hour and a half to a meeting. So transparent sometimes!

Then there's the other dream last night in which my hair turned to macaroni and cheese and was all drippy and disgusting like Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs. Sick.

Saving the Whale

I dreamed that I was in school in Russia. I was in writing class but really it was a science class and it was taught by my high school AP Art teacher Mr. Chruscinski. As a lesson he made us play a real life video game which involved me and two other girls on a team on a ship and we had to shoot guns and throw grenades at an attacking submarine. There were evil women on the submarine that were trying to steal all the whale sharks from the ocean.

Then, instead of being on the ledge of the ship shooting and throwing grenades, we were in the wild rocky ocean. The ship we had been on started dumping garbage into the ocean- huge bags of it, dirty diapers, empty boxes, nasty - and we had to swim hard to avoid being hit by it. Mr. Chruscinski proclaimed "Goddamn dirty Brits!!!" One of the girls on my team also looked at me and yelled "Goddamn Brits!"

The next thing I knew I was back inside the ship and freshly showered and wearing pink corduroys. I then found a beautiful ruby necklace and a pair of salt shakers that looked like globes.

You'll Get Shit On

I dreamt that somebody was trying to pitch a commercial to me. The commercial was for a Citibank Visa card, and it's main competition was a Target credit card. The commercial idea was this guy working at a bank, and a voiceover saying "if you use a Target card instead of Citibank, you'll get shit on." And then this giant bucket of poo got poured on the guy. He looked like Jim from The Office.

Afterwards, I passed on the commercial because all the poo got in the lake and polluted it, so I couldn't go swimming. Then a big tank drove through the lake, which was now just a giant pit full of mud and poo probably.

My Worst Nightmare

I dreamed I was camping at Auntie Bridget's farm in Ireland. The context of this is not important. My job was to "make the perfect sandwich," which involved cracking an egg and having it land as a perfectly fried egg, over medium. The awful part was that I had to do this on top of my left eyeball, underneath my eyelid.

If you've met me, you probably know how awful and painful it is for me to write this, as I am extremely squeamish about eyes, and even the word "eyeball" makes me want to vomit. I blocked out the dream for quite awhile today until I realized my left eye had been hurting a bit. I then remembered this stupid ass dream and assumed that maybe I had rubbed my eye a lot in my sleep.

This was extremely awful and painful to write, and part of me wanted to forget it ever happened. But look how brave I am!

In Bed with the Rats

this is actually from 4/11/08

I had a set of awful dreams last night - the kind where you wake up, tell yourself it isn't real, then fall back asleep and dream the whole same damn thing all over again.

My dream was that I was in this courtyard and I was trying to get to a legislator's house. I don't know who the legislator is but there is a sense of urgency that if I don't get there something terrible will happen.

In the dream I'm wearing my super cute vintage green heels and I have to hop around all these dark spots on the path. As I move forward, I start to think that the spots are blood. Ick. As I get closer I realize that what I am seeing are the decapitated (for lack of better words) tails of rats. Vomit.

I am literally playing hopscotch trying to avoid the rat pieces that are multiplying by the moment, trying to keep my lunch down. Finally I reach a house that would otherwise be beautiful if it wasn't covered in dead rat mass. There was a veranda framed by wisteria- but hell, even the beauty and fragrance of wisteria can't cover up this mess.

When I walk inside the house, I feel a formidable sense of dread. There is nowhere to sit down or move to- as now I can see where the rat bodies previously attached to the tails have accumulated.

I am scared, nervous, apprehensive. I'm about to meet someone who is bad enough that they would actually live in this hellhole.

Around the corner of the room peeks Georgia Speaker of the House Glenn Richardson. That's when I wake up in terror, drenched.