Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Bags in the Toilet

I am having the grossest dreams lately. Ugh. So last night I dreamed this:

"It's finally time to take care of this toilet," I thought to myself. What I needed to do: remove two plastic bags that had been lining the inside of the toilet. Apparently, one had been lining the entire toilet bowl under where the water goes. And the other was fixed so somehow everything that got deposited into the toilet went into this bag. These were plastic shopping bags, by the way. Like what one might get at the grocery store.

Removing the first bag was easy. I just sort of pulled it out. But that second one...ooh, it was in there good! I started pulling on one of the handles, hoping it would all just come out magically. Instead, all this pee splashed everywhere, got on me, and everything sucked. NOT sexy results, I tell you. No way.

After I got the bag out, the toilet started to overflow. Of course. Water and pee were everywhere. I remember feeling very defeated and half-hearted as I picked up the soggy bath mat and hung it to dry. Waa waa!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Goldie Hawn's Pubes

Okay, get ready to barf. Yes, I know, I gave it away with the title. But here we go anyhow.

Last night, I dreamed that I was watching a movie with Angie and Jacob. It starred Goldie Hawn, and the plot was that she was old. Seriously, that was the plot. In the movie, she said some line that sounded like "You think that's bad?! Check this out!" And then, my friends, she did it. She lifted her dress and all we could see was her pubes. For real. Vagina and pubes. And, to top it all off, she had some sort of tribal henna tattoo in a ring over her pubes. And to make matters worse, the scene in which she held up her dress was like an hour long. Barf-o-matic, Goldie!!!

Dudes. Sick.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Prince Valium

I dreamed that when Alex came over to pick me up, he had gotten his hair cut like Prince Valium, the sleepy prince from Spaceballs. You know, the guy that Druish Princess Vespa was supposed to marry before Lone Star and Barf saved her. That old guy. Anyway, Alex looked just like him, bangs, hair curled under at the ends and maybe even a little lip gloss.

I looked at him in horror- I could not understand why he would do such a thing to his appearance. Reading my mind he says "You wanted me to try to be more fashionable." He became more and more amused the more I stared in horror. He batted his luxurious eyelashes at me, puckered his shiny lips and started to sing, "America, FUCK YEAH!" his favorite line from Team America. This guy with a Prince Valium haircut is taunting me?!?!

I just stood there wondering if we really had to leave the house that night.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Loved by God in a Minivan

I dreamed I was at one of my student/family's houses, giving them groceries. The father of the family (who is not the father in real life) was small and creepy and had unwashed hair. He rushed around the house trying to find me a bottle of wine. I wondered if I'd ever get kidnapped and hidden in their basement.

We got in their minivan and drove around the neighborhood. They had just moved in and were unfamiliar with their surroundings. Emil was in the minivan too; he sat in the row behind the mother and I. At one point, we passed some old sheds or garages or something and Emil talked about the historical importance of them. Later, we passed a church, and the mother said that she hoped it would be a good church for her family. Emil started rolling his eyes and questioning her faith. I gave him a look that was meant to say "chill out and be respectful, these are my clients." At that point, the mother put her arm around me, leaned over, and told me:

God loves you. God will always love you.

I kept nodding and saying "I know, I know." And I smiled a lot.

That was really nice.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

German Note.

I was of course standing in front of the the refrigerated dairy section (yogurt) in the grocery store and my friend Mr. Rogers came up to me and handed me a letter that I had sent to a friend of mine that had arrived in the mail. On the envelope I had written in large letters in permanent marker Life is Imhoffgurd. Which was apparently a 'German' word.

Mr Rogers was smirking and I said "I wrote that word but I don't even know what it means.". Mr Rogers obviously knew what it meant but was too shy/embarrassed to say it. Just them my friend Rachel walked up to the yogurt display and I handed the letter to her and she said "it means that in life you will play the role of 'kitten' in sexual role playing"

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Giant Slide and Colors

I was on some sort of obstacle course with my siblings. We were on a family vacation, and this was one of the sights we stopped at. We went through several victorian-looking houses and stopped at various booths. The two I remember were:

1) A manicure station. It was being run by somebody's dad. I didn't really want to have my nails painted, but I knew they would end up being pink with a design on the thumb. I then went through all the colors in my head and decided what colors the design on that color should be. It was like this: red goes with black, white, and silver; orange with black, white, and gold; yellow with black, white, and silver; green with black, white, and gold, etc. For some reason, when I think about these colors now that I'm awake, the combinations look different than they did in the dream. Everything looked better, matched better, were more vibrant in my dream.

2) A giant slide. It took about 1 and 1/2 minutes to go all the way down. It was a double slide (two right next to each other) and had a tunnel over parts of it. Emil went down first, and I followed him. It was very relaxing.