Basically a Big Party

I was in a coffee shop with Anna, ordering lattes. When we got them, they were like giant chocolate milkshakes, but runny, which is perfect because sometimes milkshakes are too cold for my teeth. We turned to sit down at a table when I saw an old friend of mine out of the corner of my eye. He wore a white lab coat and disappeared around a corner.

"Namir?" I called as I followed him. He peered out from a doorway and replied "Yeeessss??" while at the same time, my cousin Laith peered out from a doorway across the hall, also wearing a white lab coat and saying "Yeeessss??" Laith was also pointing at his head insistently. He had shaved it bald. He smiled like a damn fool.

They both faded out and my guitar teacher appeared. He was wearing an adorable yellow bowtie and a black porkpie hat. I got excited and started to say to him "You look so nice..." but then I realized he was wearing a white sweat suit as well, so I finished with "...from the shoulders up!" The sweatshirt and sweatpants had two different colleges written on them; one was written in blue and one in black. He then put on a suit over the sweatsuit. The suit was black with pinstripes and was giant.

I returned to Anna and drank the rest of my latte milkshake. It had weird chunks at the bottom which I drank as I thought to myself "I may regret this in a moment."

I began singing the song "Nasty" by Janet Jackson. When I sang, the entire song came out of my mouth, drums and synth and voice and everything. As I sang, Anna and other people in the coffee shop started dancing. As I danced, I realized Will Smith was dancing right behind me. I kept singing and we formed a sort of demented conga line, just the two of us. When I got to the verse of the song, I somehow switched into "Rhythm Nation," which I didn't realize until I got to the chorus. I tried to do the Rhythm Nation dance, but my hands were full with a a giant box full of firecrackers. Here's what I missed out on:

'Sup, says Obama

I dreamed that I was chosen to interview President Obama at Beloit College, where I went to school. I don't know why I was picked, but it was mostly because I was an alumni and I had some connection with a professor. Unfortunately, I didn't prepare any questions, so I was scrambling to come up with something within the 20 minutes before the interview was to take place. I also couldn't find any blank sheets of paper - the notebook I had was full of paper, but every page had writing on it. I also had a lot os loose papers stuck in the notebook, but they were all written on as well. I did have two pens and a pencil, though.

I showed up on campus - drove my jeep up a windy road on a hill as it rained and I looked for an umbrella. Campus looked different from how I remember it, more like the campus of the school where my sister went to college. I was surprised that I didn't have to go through any type of security.

I stood in the lobby of Eaton Chapel, where the interview was to take place, and where I took all my music classes as an undergraduate. While we waited for Obama to show up, I gave a tour to an older woman. I can't remember who she was, but she could either be one of my old professors, or a member of Obama's family. I showed her around the building, and was trying to show her the dark staircase in the back of the building that comes up backstage (I had this idea of us coming out from backstage and her being met with a beautiful view of the chapel from the stage) but it was pitch black and there were heavy cords all over the ground, and I was convinced she was going to trip.

Then I was back in the lobby and Obama showed up, walking casually through the door by himself. "'Sup," he said to me, and moved on. I didn't tell him I was going to interview him.

We moved up on to the stage and sat at a small table where we'd do the interview. I still searched frantically for paper. One of my old professors, Ian, sat to my side, just like how a page turner sits next to a pianist. I think maybe he was going to turn pages for me...

I brainstormed some questions to ask him, all the while realizing that I had no idea why kinds of questions to ask. I thought I'd ask him about music, about Iraq, and about his daughters. Sarah whispered in my ear at some point, "Ask him about eating chicken and being a Veggie." Before I got to answer any questions, the people in charge started moving us to our next location. They'd just been taking pictures all along. I hoped I looked good.

Ideal Band

I was watching a band play in the far end of the parking lot across the street from my house. They sort of seemed like a noise band which is weird because I'm definitely not into noise, and I was really into this band. They had posted a "rule" on a sign behind them: nobody is allowed to wear masks in the audience unless they were sick or were afraid of getting sick or they were going to an amusement park where they might get sick. I thought of those blue paper surgical masks.

This band was scheduled to play here from 7 pm - 8 pm, and then they were supposed to play at The Inferno from 8:30 - 9:30. I planned on going over there, but I must have taken too long because when I was finally leaving my house, it was already 9:30. I decided to go anyway to check out the second band.

Thank god I did. You know who it was? Effing Axl Rose and Slash, backed up by The Bitter Tears. Basically, this combination makes my favorite band ever. I watched them in a room with only about 20 other people, and got a great view right up front. During their last song, Slash and Axl stood in the center of the stage playing music while the four members (Alan, Mike, Tony, and a girl with glasses that I'd never seen before) did organized, choreographed dances in a square around them. The Bitter Tears rotated places every 4-8 bars of music and faced inward, towards Axl and Slash. They did a lot of grand movements with their hands, and they were able to play their instruments at the same time. Their eyes were all very focused on Axl and Slash.

At the end of their last song, Axl ran into the "back room" where apparently there was an audience of about 200, so I decided not to fight my way back there. Some guy announced the next band, which turned out to be the band of Toby from The Office. That was a sold out show, so I didn't even have a choice in whether or not I wanted to go. Good job, Toby.

Guns, Granola and Guest Stars

I have been dreaming so much lately and having a hard time keeping track. It's like every night there is a really long intense dream.

In this one I was at a supermarket and there was a raffle going on. There were three large carts full of healthy things you could win. In one of the carts was a bunch of yogurt and 'beneful' which is dog food in real life, but I think in the dream it was kinda like granola. I really wanted to win that cart of stuff, but I was upset that it was vegan yogurt. I walked around the grocery store trying to find someone to talk to to see if I could switch it out if I won. Somehow I got lost and ended up in the managers office. It had a big table in the center and a large white couch on the side of the room. On top of the table was one of those fake tubular fish tanks things, this this:
Except in the dream there were real fish in it. A man with chin length hair was standing by the table and knocked the fish tank over. It shattered and water was everywhere. Somehow I knew he was in the office trying to rig the raffle so he would win. I was terrified now, because I had seen him knock over the fish tank. He looked up and saw me and pointed a gun at me. I screamed and ran behind the couch. He came over to the couch and leaned over it so he could see me. I kept crawling back and forth behind the couch because I was trying to be a moving target. I was trying to get in a position so that if he shot me it would go through me and not kill me. It didn't work because he shot me in my neck. I was holding my neck as it bled when I woke up. After I woke up I realized it was Darrell Hammond from SNL who was trying to rig the raffle and who shot me. But in the dream he looked like that creepy hit man in Grosse Point Blank- the guy John Cusack kills with a pen- in the neck!!!! Weird.

Celebrities and More Underwears

In the first part of my dream, I was at a conference in a hotel with my parents and siblings. I don't know what the conference was about, but there were a lot of people dressed in ball gowns. Very glittery and sequin-y and tons of colors, mostly bright pinks and blues and greens. The material of the dresses was usually shiny. So basically, it sort of looked like an Arabic wedding. We argued about wear to park so that we wouldn't have to walk far in the rain.

We were in the lobby of the hotel, gathered around a table full of papers that we were supposed to fill out. The papers were messy and unorganized. I sat at the table with glasses on, trying to find the right form. Just then, somebody walked up to the table and placed a book, standing up, right in the middle. The book was Fatherhood. Which means that the man who put it there was...

BILL COSBY.

For real. He was bigger in person than he is on television. Not taller or fatter, but his proportions were bigger. He was a bigger kind of human than we all were. He smiled as he put the book down, and we somehow knew he was promoting it. Due to my quick wit (duh), I said "Oh, self-promotion, eh?" and Bill and the whole crowd burst into laughter. In all the craziness of laughing, the book fell over on its side, and I grabbed another opportunity at hilarity and yelled "Booooooo!" Bill Cosby laughed and laughed, and I remember thinking "Yes! I got two laughs out of Bill Cosby, and he's a comedian!" Really though, I think I'm much funnier than this in real life.

In the second part of my dream, I was talking to a professor of mine who ended up being Robert Downey Jr (who I've totally had a dream about before). As we were talking, I realized he was getting flirty and that there might be some Sexy Results. He asked me to come back later that night for a "meeting" (yeah right, Downey Jr) so I went to find my friend so we could go home and change. My friend had to keep score at a cheerleading competition, though, so we got held up and I kept looking impatiently at the time, not wanting to miss Sexy Results. The friend keeping score perched on the scoreboard above the gymnasium floor, manually hanging numbers on hooks when points were scored. At some point, she also hung a ten-year-old boy by his shirt from one of the hooks, as a prank. Everybody laughed.

I was sort of horrified until I realized there was a trampoline underneath him, and it was there as a safety precaution because this was all part of a movie we were making. I immediately panicked, wondering if Robert Downey Jr was only in the movie, or if I was going to see him again in real life. I couldn't tell.

Last thing: there was a pair of underwears in the back pocket of my jeans this entire time.

My boyfriend Bret Michaels saves me from the Bull Woman

Dudes, dudes, I have no choice but to confess that I have had yet another dream about Bret Michaels. This marks the third in a series, prompted no doubt by his recent brain hemorrhage, win of Celebrity Apprentice and appearance on American Idol- but who's keeping track?

I dreamed that Bret was my boyfriend and we were going to a sweat lodge in Kentucky. On the way there we passed a carpenter's work room and we stopped so he could show me what a great craftsman he is by making me a snow board. When we got to the site of the sweat lodge, we saw that it had been taken over by the evil bull-woman-with-claws from the second season of True Blood. I was really scared but my boyfriend Bret said "I'll protect you" and then I woke up and laughed my ass off.

Robert Downey Jr.

I was at a house - I don't know who's house it was, but I was possibly at a party, or babysitting, or something like that. Somebody told me, or I realized, that they were shooting a movie just a few houses away, and that Robert Downey Jr. was there. I immediately took off running, which is really cool because usually I can't run in dreams. I ran through the backyard of my aunt and uncle's house in Illinois, which seemed giant and like a jungle. There was mowed grass and flowers everywhere. Without stopping, I bent down to pick up a cut yellow rose that still had a ton of leaves attached to it and I kept running. I ran through all their neighbors' yards, going around wells and jumping over piles of sticks.

I finally got to the place they were filming, which was a big fancy hotel. In the lobby, there was a huge, oval-shaped fountain or some kind of structure that contained tons of plant life, little garden statues, and waterfalls, amongst other things. I ran around it a few times, but Robert Downey Jr. was always on the opposite site as I was. Finally, I reached him. They were in the middle of filming, but he stopped when he saw me and said "I'll always meet somebody!" I handed him the yellow rose and said "Thank you. Thank you for what you do." Then I ran back in the direction from which I came.

Later, I was mad that I hadn't stayed longer, because it seemed like he was friendly and would have talked to me more. When I saw my friends and family, I totally lied and told them all that Robert Downey Jr. had kissed me on the cheek. What a liar!


Such a fox!

New Office Episode - "Survey Day"

I dreamed an entire episode of The Office. It was called "Survey Day," and all the characters were in it, including me! For most of the episode, there were a ton of businessmen in the lobby for a big meeting, and they were all sitting around in suits and carrying briefcases. I remember Meredith and Kelly being all excited about "all the men." I saw Jim sandwiched between a bunch of other businessmen, and, of course, he was making faces at the camera.

At one point, I was in a giant elevator with Pam and I'd left my purse in the lobby, so we had to go up and don a lot to go get it. The elevator had two separate entrances right next to each other, but about ten feet apart. The elevator was like a room in itself, with plants and bookshelves everywhere.

Part of the whole big meeting involved everybody filling out surveys, hence "Survey Day." Each person had a personalized survey with their name on it and questions specific to their lives and jobs. I couldn't find mine, so I decided to fill in all the answers as three-word phrases, like "Haste Makes Waste," and also with Metallica album titles, like "Ride the Lightning."

In the dream, I kept having to double-check to make sure this episode hadn't happened before.

Now is Not the Time, Ozzy Osbourne.

The other night, I had a really long-seeming dream. I meant to write it down last week but I forgot, so here are some of the details I remember:

I was with my cousin Tony's wife, Jill, and she was driving a van in the neighborhood of my work. She and I and a few other people kept trying to get somewhere, but we seemed to just stay in the same area, still driving. At one point, she brought us to her apartment in Madison, which was very long. She also had two dogs that were blonde and furry. As I looked at them, I thought to myself, "they're just like ____ (in my mind, a combination of bears ad pigs), but much fluffier!"

Later, I was back in the van with Rob, who I know here in Madison. We were with a third person who I didn't know at the time. The third person said he needed to make a stop. We pulled over near these condos on the same street on which I work and he got out. Rob and I were talking, but out of the corner of my eye I saw the third guy standing outside the condos. It was Ozzy Osbourne! He was wearing all black with round, black sunglasses, and he was aiming his remote car starter at a window on the 2nd or 3rd floor. I immediately recognized that as "the sign" for buying pot. Specifically from this guy who's a concert promoter here in town. "Hey!" I yelled indignantly. "He doesn't get to buy pot now! I've got to get to work!"

I was in a hurry to leave, so I figured I'd get out of the van and walk the 8 blocks to work. As I left, Rob gave me a gift - a tennis ball covered in rainbow-colored confetti and streamers.

Nothing Better to Do

I was at some kind of school assembly that was taking place in a big field. There were hundreds of chairs organized in very neat rows, and a big square stage at the center of them all. I sat down in a row right behind some of my friends. Some music started playing, and even though I didn't recognize it, I knew when to begin singing and what lyrics and tune to sing. As soon as I started singing, I realized it was "Rosanna" by Toto. I looked up to check out the band that was playing it, and realized the lead singer of this band was the actual lead singer from the band Toto! I thought to myself, "he probably has nothing better to do." Also, he looked nothing like him in real life.

Later, my row of chairs was removed from the group by some kind of forklift, and then I was in the car with my brother Emil and cousin Luai, looking for a wedding gift for a cousin of ours in London. We drove to a part of Madison I'd never been to. There were several Arabic stores and a Home Depot. The street name started with the letter B. Emil picked out an ugly necklace as a gift, which I didn't really like, but I kept my mouth shut because I was bored and wanted to leave the store.

Short, Sweet, Etc.

I had a dream that I was dating Jim from The Office. We were hanging out with a big group of people; either my family, or the cast from the office. We sat together on a big, soft, green couch. He had his arm around me and I sat close to him. All of a sudden, he farted! I could tell only because I felt it through the couch. I looked at him, and he did that look he does when he looks right at the camera with his eyebrows raised.

I'm talking about the first face he makes in this video:


Really, Jim? You make that face even after you fart?

Flavor Flav and the Magical Barn

I dreamed that I lived in a beautiful old farmhouse that had so much potential if I only had the time to work on it. It had this rundown but charming barn behind it that was my favorite part.

I had to leave my farmhouse to run a benefit for Georgians for Alternatives to the Death Penalty. We fed people southern barbecue there. In the middle of my speech Flavor Flav started heckling me and being a total jerk. He offended everyone and people started leaving. I started crying at the podium and then ran backstage.

When I saw Flav in the hallway I yelled at him "you cost us $10,000!! you have to give me a $10,000 donation to make up for this!" Then I made myself a to-go plate of barbecue and went home.

When I got home I saw that my friends had all been working on the barn - they turned it into a magical wonderland place with chinese lanterns, lots of blue ceramic tile and antiques on shelves. Ela had built a sweat lodge inside the barn and Mica had assembled a tea party with old cast iron tea kettles.

Senators and Homeless People

I dreamed last night that my college diploma was deemed invalid so I had to go back to Berry College to take an economics class. The Chairman of Georgia's Senate Judiciary Committee (a friend) was my economics professor. Berry College is huge (the biggest campus in the world actually) and I couldn't find my shoes and it made me move around like molasses. And apparently the City of Atlanta decided to solve its homelessness problem by dropping off all these street people at Berry. They kept chasing me. The Chairman/economics professor drove an SUV and picked me up as I was being chased. I was grateful, but then I saw another state senator who I hate was in the front seat - this guy spits when he talks and gets bright red and sounds like a lunatic ranting and raving- very unpleasant. So I got back out of the SUV- I chose homeless chasers over crazy Senator Wiles!!!!

Not Enough Microphones

I was watching a star-studded celebrity cast singing a song. It seemed sort of like We Are the World. All the celebrities were standing behind a plastic window, singing into microphones, wearing headphones. I noticed Danny Wood from the New Kids on the Block singing with them. After a minute, he walked away from the group and approached four men sitting on black plastic chairs. They seemed like an audience, watching the rest of the singers. As it turns out, this group of four men was...the other New Kids! All of them: Donnie, Jordan, Joe, and Jonathan. Danny handed the mic to Jonathan, and he took Danny's place in the celebrity group. It turns out, the producers of this event didn't have enough microphones because they couldn't afford them, so the New Kids were all taking turns. Very sad...

Goldie Hawn's Pubes

Okay, get ready to barf. Yes, I know, I gave it away with the title. But here we go anyhow.

Last night, I dreamed that I was watching a movie with Angie and Jacob. It starred Goldie Hawn, and the plot was that she was old. Seriously, that was the plot. In the movie, she said some line that sounded like "You think that's bad?! Check this out!" And then, my friends, she did it. She lifted her dress and all we could see was her pubes. For real. Vagina and pubes. And, to top it all off, she had some sort of tribal henna tattoo in a ring over her pubes. And to make matters worse, the scene in which she held up her dress was like an hour long. Barf-o-matic, Goldie!!!

Dudes. Sick.

Russell Simmons, Mom, and I in the Minivan

Well sir, I had a funny dream last night. I dreamed that Russell Simmons was driving my mother and I around in a minivan. He sat in the driver's seat, and mom and I sat in the way back.

We got pulled over because none of us were wearing seat belts. Russell insisted it was racial profiling. Later, we competed in vaguely olympic-like events that required wearing backpacks and crossing a room that looked like a pool with no water.

"This Is Not Piano, This Is Dreaming"

This is not a dream, but a video a friend sent me. It's a segment of an interview with Duke Ellington. Check it:



Just what I needed to hear this morning!

Tag Team Wrestling

I dreamed I was about to compete in a big tag team wrestling match with my friend Mark from college. He was waiting for me on one side of the ring while I got my outfit together. I wore these really tight shiny bright royal blue warmup pants and a matching blue t-shirt. I also had on a ton of glittery yellow eye shadow and matching tights, also glittery yellow. I also wore a cape.

I approached the ring, slowly getting terrified because I have no idea how to wrestle. Even worse, I realized that Mark and I were up against Larry Sweeney, who would obviously beat us. Larry, being a gentleman as always, quickly tried to teach me some moves. I got distracted, however, when I realized the crowd of about 12,000 people was booing me. I looked down and realized that my pants had the Chicago Cubs logo all over them. The crowd was booing because they hated the Cubs! Dicks...

Band in the Park

A sort of disjointed dream...

I dreamed I was in a large park heading east towards a gathering area. I was in a hurry to get there, but I kept having to stop and talk to people, or stop to watch these big crowds of people walking, or people on bicycles, going past me. I finally got where I needed to be, and realized I'd be seeing a band play. I was sitting behind the band, tightly sandwiched between a lot of other people, on plastic folding chairs.

The band turned out to be about 4 or 5 keyboards, all set up next to each other longways, end to end. The person playing the keyboard right in the the middle was the one and only SWEET N' SOUR LARRY SWEENEY! I watched him play keyboards and conduct the band, and at one point I thought "Wait, if Larry can play these piano parts, I probably could too..." During one song, he got up and started dancing in front of the keyboards. I remember feeling mad that Jacob, who has an enormous celebrity crush on Larry, was nowhere to be found. "He didn't even try," I thought to myself.

I was later in a department store, looking for my sister and her friend. We found each other in the "Wedding Section." I turned on my cell phone and had 4 text messages and 10 voicemail messages. Most of the voicemails were from people I never talk to, named "Austin," "Dive," "Hot Somebody," etc.

Starring Dustin Hoffman as Me

I was in a library on the second floor and I kept walking between aisles of chairs, very close together. I was wearing a giant skirt, similar to my purple one, so it kept brushing against people as I walked by. I saw this kid, about 9 or 10 or so, checking out a book with his mother.

All of a sudden, it was my responsibility to drive this kid to a sleepover party. We were in a fancy neighborhood, picking up two of his friends (one of whom I worked with in camp a few years ago). It was dark, and there were two headlights (not attatched to anything) in the front yard of a house. "I have to go turn those lights off," said the boy. "No, I'll do it," I told him. "Is it so you can grab some of those jelly beans?" he asked. I looked in the front yard. It was now daytime, bright outside, and there was a giant bowl of very large jelly beans right next to a tree in the yard. "Yeah, that's why I'm going to go," I said.

For some reason, I had to run to do it. I first turned out the light by squeezing these two small, bright pink balloons that felt like they were filled with sand.. They were in the bowl of jelly beans, amidst the jelly beans, but I somehow knew which ones to squeeze. I then started frantically grabbing as many jelly beans as I could, holding them all in my arms. At one point I thought that I should put them in my shirt or something, but my brain told me "there's no time!" so I didn't. I was about to return to the car, but at the last minute, I also grabbed an apple from the lawn. Right as I did that....the COPS showed up! Boooo!

He was nice, kind of oaf-y, and asked me why I was doing this. "Look man, I just want the kids to get to their sleepover," I said to him. He agreed, but also told me that I'd need to go to jail anyhow. It was a minimum security jail...so minimum, in fact, that you could go home to sleep every night. My friend Mark from high school was there. I wondered if his band was able to be successful while he was in jail. I also realized that he was in there for tax fraud.

All of a sudden, I was watching this all as a movie and "I" was being played by Dustin Hoffman. I watched him exit this building that I recognized, followed by Rahm Emanuel. The building was "where my brother and father get their hair cut," which is real life is owned by Ralph and Tony, but in my dream, was owned by Rahm's father. He was also a therapist. The sign on the door said "come on in!" Rahm yelled at Dustin to get back inside the jail or he'd ruin it for the rest of the people there, which I believe is a quote from The Simpsons.

Next, I was in Hong Kong with Emil. We entered our hotel and walked up a few flights of stairs that were only about 16 inches in diameter. "I knew this fucking country would make me claustrophobic," I said. The Emil, Sara, and I traded cars and drove around while talking to each other. I think we may have gone to a concert.