Strip Club

So I went to bed Saturday night really early cause I was just exhausted from the night before ( I have not been sleeping well because I have to make a big decision about my career). But I went to bed at 11:30 with a completely full almost overflowing belly that contained Honey Buffalo Chicken Tenders, 7-Pepper Fries and Chili Cheese Nachos, plus some beer and vodka.

So I'm in this strip club, completely by myself, and I am sitting in a booth talking to one of the strippers. I can’t really remember what we are talking about but she keeps pressing me for money asking me for a dance. I keep saying to her maybe in a little while, I'm not ready for one right now. I think to myself, wait a minute I have a girlfriend at home that is willing to sleep with me, why the hell am I going to pay for something in a strip club that I can get at home for free. (I know it sounds horrible but this is seriously the way we men think) So I decide I will go to the bathroom and then I will leave.

The bathroom is all concrete and very dimly lit, the walls are a color mix of lime green and urine yellow and the urinals are just big metal troughs. So I am taking a piss and I look over to my right and there is a bar there, it is completely unmanned and it looks like it is too small for someone to even fit behind it. As I am finishing up a big tall white guy that does not look like he works there has a bottle of Tequila and is handing out shots in those small plastic shot glasses. He looks at me and says "Hey you look like a cool guy, here's a shot of Tequila" and pours it and leaves it on the bar. I think why yes I am, so I do the shot and leave the bathroom without saying anything to anyone.

As I am walking through the strip club to the exit I bump into an old friend from high school that I haven’t seen in about 6 years. Also his older brother that was friends with my older brother is there as well. So I say Hello to them and I decide ok I will sit down here at this chair and catch up with these guys for awhile. I don’t even get my ass in the seat when a bouncer comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder and says “I need you to come with me” I give a confused look to my friends, stand up and turn to look at the bouncer. The bouncer is the badass Mexican actor Danny Trejo (from Dawn of the Dead, Desperado, Con Air etc.) He is dressed in all black, has long black hair down to his shoulders, and is wearing a backwards black hat, very intimidating.

So I follow him to the back of the club where there is a bar and I am just completely confused. We get there and I ask him “So what is going on?” he leans over to the bartender and says “Hand me that thing” The bartender hands him a black pistol and he takes it out of its holster and sticks it right in my chest. He has the gun barrel pushed really hard into my chest and it is right in that soft spot where your chest plate ends and your neck begins. (It is that little dip that the chest plate makes and it is very sensitive, go ahead and push on it right now and you’ll understand what I mean) I put my hands up and I say to him in a soft voice “I’m fine thanks, how are you?” He pushes the gun even harder into that spot, until it really begins to hurt and says to me “You are under arrest for illegally importing…..” and then I fucking wake up.

I feel down to where my chest is and I can still feel the pressure and pain from where he had the gun pointed. I rub it and then push on it until it hurts to make sure that I am awake. I am. But now I am so damn lost and confused, illegally importing WHAT???? Drugs? Guns? Aliens? What Dammit? I can’t sleep now, and I’m just reliving this dream over and over in my head and I am getting horribly frustrated. Then about 45 minutes later I realized something that pissed me off even more. I just had a dream about a strip club and there wasn’t even one naked boob in the whole dream, WHAT A FUCKING RIP OFF!!!!

Stressed at the Airport

Oh my god Gwen, We are having the same dreams lately.

Last night I dreamt I was at the airport. I was running around trying to find my gate and everytime I thought I found it, it turned out to be clear across the airport. It was a big airport like O'hare not a Madison airport. For some reason my Dad was there and was really annoyed that I couldn't find my gate. I had a small bag and a purse with me and I was really stressed out that they were going to charge me for having the bag. In th middle of all the running around I realized I had to go to the bathroom, number 2. I went into the stall and did my business, but felt something itchy. I turned around and found I had just pooped out a twig with dry leaves hanging off of it. I was really disturbed, but didn't have time to contemplate as I had to run and find my gate. So I ran back into the airport. I'm not sure how this dream ended, but I think I was just running from gate to gate until I woke up.

how it comes out

Last night I dreamt that I was going #2 in the toilet and that I stood up and turned around to look at it and there was a shiny metal letter "R" in my poo.

And in my dream it was a cherry pit that I had swollowed and that was how it comes out ...

lightning

its hard to say what i dreamt about last night because my memory is failing me. i was at nottingham watching the lightning (which actually did happen in real life yesterday) and as i was watching it all of the sudden i felt a surge of power. everything started becoming shaky and i stared at this one point in the middle of the lake and basically commanded that the lightning hit that spot. and then it did. of course, i promptly woke up which is what always happens when i am able to control something that happened in my dream. what gets me is the feeling that i had during the dream. that power.

afterwards, i had a dream i was in a horrible fight with my family. i said horrible cruel things to all of them. and then i locked myself into a room and then i see in the corner there is a man there. he starts talking to me and telling me how cruel i've been to my family. he has a german accent and is telling me that i really shouldn't behave this way. and i basically tell him to leave me alone. and then he picks up a bible and says "do you know the word of god?" and i say to him i don't believe it and i'm atheist. he shakes his head. i get up and leave the room. and as i open the door i wake up.

i woke up with my heart racing after both of these dreams.

The Cruise that wasn't a Cruise

I dreamed that Mohammad and I were on a "cruise" but it was actually in an hotel building that you had to hike up sand dunes to get to. I kept cursing the fact that I was wearing sparkly high heels as I trekked through the sand trying to keep up with him.

We got to our "room" which was an apartment shared with a bunch of people. People kept yelling at me to make pancakes. I realized with relief that my heels had changed to yellow Crocs.

Then Mohammad and I left the room to go for a walk and we came to DeSoto Falls, this giant waterfall in Alabama. When we got to the top of the falls there was a sign out on this tiny ledge that was an arrow and said "Ireland 8000 miles". We realized we were on the furthest tip of the United States, closest to Ireland. We stood at the edge of the ledge and stretched our arms out as far as we could to be as close to Ireland as possible.

My Worst Nightmare

I dreamed I was camping at Auntie Bridget's farm in Ireland. The context of this is not important. My job was to "make the perfect sandwich," which involved cracking an egg and having it land as a perfectly fried egg, over medium. The awful part was that I had to do this on top of my left eyeball, underneath my eyelid.

If you've met me, you probably know how awful and painful it is for me to write this, as I am extremely squeamish about eyes, and even the word "eyeball" makes me want to vomit. I blocked out the dream for quite awhile today until I realized my left eye had been hurting a bit. I then remembered this stupid ass dream and assumed that maybe I had rubbed my eye a lot in my sleep.

This was extremely awful and painful to write, and part of me wanted to forget it ever happened. But look how brave I am!

Summersaults

I had this dream last night . . .

I was in the kitchen cleaning and I was worried because it was getting late and Tom wasn't home yet. The sun went down and he still wasn't home. My friend Erica appeared and tried to console me. I decided to look around the house for him. I walked into the living room and saw him sitting on the couch naked. On the floor of the living room there was a man and a woman having sex. I immediately shut the door and went back to the kitchen to tell Erica what I had seen. I guess she tried to reassure me because she started to talk about her problems with her girlfriend. She said her girlfriend suffered from "Gymnastics induced Narcolepsy." In the dream I pictured her falling asleep while in the middle of a summersault, but she said it was more serious than that because it meant they had trouble having sex.

This is all I remember. Gymnastics induced Narcolepsy!

oops i forgot something

Linda and I were laying in bed and about to go to sleep when Linda got up and said "oops I forgot something I have to go into the living room"

So she went in the living room and I stayed in bed and I could hear her in the living room having sex with our "housekeeper"

Linda comes back into the bedroom and I say "linda you know I could hear all of that, I know you just had sex with the housekeeper"

Linda said "oh i didn't think you would be able to hear us because she has diabetes"

In a Different Country with Glass.

My dreams are hardly ever funny, usually just odd.  I think this one is just odd. Maybe a little funny, I dunno, you tell me. 

I dreamt that I was with my co-worker in another country.  She is a very "well traveled" lady and, though I wasn't sure, I had the feeling that we were in Greece.  

So, we're driving down this unpaved gravel road that is next to a sort of a coastline.  And I only say it's a "sort of" coastline because every now and then it looks more like the landscape of an alien planet rather than the earth.  

As we drive down this road something feels strange and I don't know exactly what at first, but then I realize that my co-worker is driving along this coastline entirely in REVERSE.  I question her about it because, you know, I'm scared that we might crash and she says "No, no, no, this is how they do it here" but I continue to question her because as she's driving in REVERSE she is also not watching where she is going.  She's looking straight ahead but the car is going backwards. She then says "I've been here so many times, trust me this is how they drive here". 

So, I decide to relax because, after all, she wasn't crashing into anything and she did seem to know what she was doing.  I was still a little nervous though and kept turning around to see where we were going.  

Then I look out the window at the coastline.  It was a very rocky coastline; one that was made up of shells and rocks and sometimes really tall pointy rock formations. The tall pointy rock formations made me feel like I was on an alien planet.   You could see the water, which wasn't particularly pretty, it was more dark and rather still.  Although every now and then a small wave would crash up onto the rocks.  There was also all this really beautiful sea glass on the coast line that was reflecting the sun.  There were various colors, a light sea green color, a shiny translucent color.  They were all very pretty.  

Then suddenly the coastline would change.  The bed of the lake, or whatever kind of body of water it was, would be completely dry.  I mean, there would be no water at all.  Just all these ugly crumbly rocks and everything looked kind of dirty.  And then there would be no sea glass, just a bunch of brown and green broken beer bottles.  

So, that's what I got at the end of my dream.  An empty lake bed littered with a bunch of broken Rolling Rock and Leinenkuegel bottles.  

No Stickers

I dreamt that I was watching That 70s Show and on the show they were playing Guitar Hero. Everything was fine and good until I realized how inauthentic the show was; Guitar Hero wasn't around in the 1970s! I then realized, however, that the show's creators had fixed one tiny detail. There were no stickers on the guitars, thus making it true to the times. That somehow made it more authentic. No stickers.