Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Strip Club

So I went to bed Saturday night really early cause I was just exhausted from the night before ( I have not been sleeping well because I have to make a big decision about my career). But I went to bed at 11:30 with a completely full almost overflowing belly that contained Honey Buffalo Chicken Tenders, 7-Pepper Fries and Chili Cheese Nachos, plus some beer and vodka.

So I'm in this strip club, completely by myself, and I am sitting in a booth talking to one of the strippers. I can’t really remember what we are talking about but she keeps pressing me for money asking me for a dance. I keep saying to her maybe in a little while, I'm not ready for one right now. I think to myself, wait a minute I have a girlfriend at home that is willing to sleep with me, why the hell am I going to pay for something in a strip club that I can get at home for free. (I know it sounds horrible but this is seriously the way we men think) So I decide I will go to the bathroom and then I will leave.

The bathroom is all concrete and very dimly lit, the walls are a color mix of lime green and urine yellow and the urinals are just big metal troughs. So I am taking a piss and I look over to my right and there is a bar there, it is completely unmanned and it looks like it is too small for someone to even fit behind it. As I am finishing up a big tall white guy that does not look like he works there has a bottle of Tequila and is handing out shots in those small plastic shot glasses. He looks at me and says "Hey you look like a cool guy, here's a shot of Tequila" and pours it and leaves it on the bar. I think why yes I am, so I do the shot and leave the bathroom without saying anything to anyone.

As I am walking through the strip club to the exit I bump into an old friend from high school that I haven’t seen in about 6 years. Also his older brother that was friends with my older brother is there as well. So I say Hello to them and I decide ok I will sit down here at this chair and catch up with these guys for awhile. I don’t even get my ass in the seat when a bouncer comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder and says “I need you to come with me” I give a confused look to my friends, stand up and turn to look at the bouncer. The bouncer is the badass Mexican actor Danny Trejo (from Dawn of the Dead, Desperado, Con Air etc.) He is dressed in all black, has long black hair down to his shoulders, and is wearing a backwards black hat, very intimidating.

So I follow him to the back of the club where there is a bar and I am just completely confused. We get there and I ask him “So what is going on?” he leans over to the bartender and says “Hand me that thing” The bartender hands him a black pistol and he takes it out of its holster and sticks it right in my chest. He has the gun barrel pushed really hard into my chest and it is right in that soft spot where your chest plate ends and your neck begins. (It is that little dip that the chest plate makes and it is very sensitive, go ahead and push on it right now and you’ll understand what I mean) I put my hands up and I say to him in a soft voice “I’m fine thanks, how are you?” He pushes the gun even harder into that spot, until it really begins to hurt and says to me “You are under arrest for illegally importing…..” and then I fucking wake up.

I feel down to where my chest is and I can still feel the pressure and pain from where he had the gun pointed. I rub it and then push on it until it hurts to make sure that I am awake. I am. But now I am so damn lost and confused, illegally importing WHAT???? Drugs? Guns? Aliens? What Dammit? I can’t sleep now, and I’m just reliving this dream over and over in my head and I am getting horribly frustrated. Then about 45 minutes later I realized something that pissed me off even more. I just had a dream about a strip club and there wasn’t even one naked boob in the whole dream, WHAT A FUCKING RIP OFF!!!!


Reem Tara said...

HAHAHA!! NO naked boobs?? This doesn't sound like you at all...

Tara said...

Hahaha. I love the cameos in your dreams!